Breaking the Silence

As most of you have probably noticed, I have been a complete blogging failure for the last three weeks. School has been crazy insane, but it's finally starting to slow down a little so I've decided I'm gonna take some time to write tonight. Over the last few weeks, I have had a bunch of things I've thought about blogging, but no time to post, so now as I sit down to break the silence, I'm not entirely sure what to say. So here goes...

One thing that I hope will never fail to amaze me is Christ's sacrifice on the cross. Especially since this summer, every time I think of this amazing, beautiful, radical gift, I'm overwhelmed. Over the course of the last couple weeks, I have really been pondering what it looks like to respond to this sacrifice of love. Last week I started reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. In this book, Chan dives into what it looks like to respond to God's call for a "passionate love relationship" versus sticking with the status quo. I've really enjoyed this book so far and love where Chan is going, but have been challenged to look at my own life as well.

Last week I also was reading through the end of the Gospel of Mark. Every time I read through the end of a Gospel, and likewise through the crucifixion, my heart wants to explode in my chest, it's so overwhelming to think about the terrible pain He went through, it's so unimaginable to comprehend His separation from the Father and leaving the people on earth He loved the most, and it's so exciting to know He did that for me!!!! It's crazy! Reading through chapter 15, something new stuck out to me.

Mark 15:16-20--The soldiers led Jesus away into the palace (that is, the Praetorium) and called together the whole company of soldiers. They put a purple robe on him, then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on him. And they began to call out to him, "Hail, king of the Jews!" Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him. Falling on their knees, they paid homage to him. And when they had mocked him, they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him out to crucify him.

Mark 15:31-32--In the same way the chief priests and the teachers of the law mocked him among themselves. "He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! Let this Christ, this King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." Those crucified with him also heaped insults on him.

As I read these verses, I kept thinking--Do you think there was a moment while Jesus was on the cross that He wanted to let these people have it? Like just a second when He wanted look them in the eyes and cry out to them, "Don't you get it, I'm doing this for you?!" What would He have given for these people to know Him, could He have given more? He gave them everything, and it still wasn't enough. They still chose to ignore Him, no worse than that, they chose to hate Him while He demonstrated the greatest love of all time.

Then, my thoughts slowly drifted to my own life, how often do I do the same thing? I even have the entire Bible laying out everything for me, and there are times I still choose to ignore His sacrifice for me. Chan says:

We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He's great and deserves to be the center of our lives. Jesus came humbly as a servant but never begs us to give Him some small part of ourselves. He commands everything from His followers.

Am I giving Him everything? Are there parts of my life that have Christ crying out to me, "Don't you get it, I did that for you so you could know Me, so you could know love..." Are there things blinding me from knowing His love or are there areas in my life where I am just completely ignoring Him?

Those are the things people don't really want to ponder, you know? Things, honestly, I feel like I would be okay not thinking about, ever.

But as I forced myself to stay in this uncomfortable place, I began to be convicted by grudges I continue to hold in relationships. People who I refuse to show the love of Christ to because I have not seen the love of Christ from them. This is something I really struggle with. I told a friend once that one of the hardest things for me to do is give grace to people who I think don't deserve it. She was quick to point out that that mindset basically defeated the entire concept of grace, withholding an undeserved gift from someone who doesn't deserve it.....I still do it though.

I know what God desires my life to look like, how He wants me to love my neighbor as myself and pray for my enemies and be a picture of Christ to this world, but sometimes it's so easy to ask, why? Why live like that, why is it worth going out of my way to get stepped on or put my neck out, or even my heart, for people who don't care? I want to, I want to be that girl known for her love, sometimes it's so hard though, and more than that sometimes it's so scary. You know?